As I study my diary it seems that 2013 will once again see me travelling the length and breadth of the UK, and perhaps Europe also, to mediate. It's always an honour to be asked to mediate, so I undertake the travelling willingly, and it has to be said that Mrs Bear seems to cope disturbingly well without me. Travel can, of course, despite the new Network Rail Passenger Charter, be fraught with difficulty. Never the less, whatever the difficulty, the Mediator, like the US mail, must always get through, and so, to assist my fellow mediators, those taking part in mediations, and the travelling public generally, I offer Stupid Bear's Top Ten Travel Tips for 2013, each one the result of extensive research and personal experience.
1. Newcastle upon Tyne and Newcastle under Lyme are not the same place. They are not even close. If you are mediating in one, and your hotel booking is in the other, you have made a mistake, and are in for a cold night.
2. The Radisson Hotel, Bristol, is a fine hotel. The rooms are spacious, and the view of the Premier Inn very pleasant. However, it is surrounded by an invisible force field that prevents anyone from reaching it by car. Your sat nav will take you round and round it, offering enticing glimpses from all angles, without ever letting you get there. Abandon hope, or at least, abandon your car, and go on foot.
3. Britain does not "have a mild winter". We have an unpredictable winter, which can arrive on any date between 1 September and 31 May. Be prepared. You should never leave home between these dates without emergency rations (extra chocolate) and survival clothing. A snow shovel may also be helpful.
4. Britain does not have a Summer either. We have a Rainy Season, which lasts from 1 June to 31 August. Be prepared. You should never leave home between these dates without emergency rations (extra chocolate) and survival clothing. An inflatable dinghy may also be helpful
5. Snow tyres are a wonderful invention. Even in snowy or icy conditions they will get you safely down your drive and all the way to the nearest major road without mishap. Once you reach the nearest major road, you will of course be immobilised because whilst your car may have snow tyres, no one else's car does, and so you will be stuck too (unless when purchasing your car you specified the optional Horizontal Take Off and Landing Facility at a cost of approximately £4,000,000).
6. Remember that railway timetables are to be treated as general aspirations only (for the contract lawyers amongst you, they count as "a mere puff"). These aspirations can be derailed, literally or figuratively, by the wrong kind of snow on the track, by the wrong kind of leaves on the track, and (worst of all) by the wrong kind of passengers (hopefully not on the track). The hazard posed by the wrong kind of passengers and their unrealistic expectations to the timely running of our trains was made clear to me last year when I enquired of railway official why a particular train, which I often use, always stops at a particular station just outside London, but is not shown as doing so on the timetable. "Well", the nice railway official said, "if we show the train as stopping here, then people will want to get on and off, and that would make the train late". D'oh! Stupid of me.
7. Do not be fooled by the word "Airport" in "Heathrow Airport". It is not an airport. It is a shopping mall. Rumours persist that there is an airport somewhere there, but on a recent visit the Bear Family found no evidence whatsoever to corroborate these rumours. If you need to fly, fly from your local regional airport. If Heathrow is your local airport, you'll just have to go shopping.
8. Do not be fooled by the fact that the Airport that you are flying to bears the name of your destination. This does not mean that it is in, or even close to, your destination. For example, when your Crying Air flight touches down at Frankfurt Chicken Airport (yes, really) you will almost certainly be further from Frankfurt than when you left home.
9. Be warned that other countries can be just as bad to travel in. Even the Swiss are not as efficient as their reputation would suggest. I have flown to Geneva twice in the last two months. On the first occasion, the pilot announced on take off that the weather in Geneva was fine with broken clouds. Two months later, when I made the journey again, the clouds were still broken.
10. If you are mediating in Wigan, and staying at the Premier Inn there, be warned that, should an alluringly clad lady approach you outside the hotel to ask "Do you want super sex?", then (no matter how cold the night) you are likely to cause offence if you reply "Why, thank you very much, I'll have the soup please".
Stupid Bear.
