Ah, the start of the
season of Advent has been marked in the traditional way by the release of the
John Lewis Christmas advert, bearing as ever its special message that goes
right to the very heart of Christmas: that all we want for Christmas morning……..is
to be woken earlier than we had expected by an alarm clock hidden under our
bed. No, wait, that can’t be
right. Of all the days in the year,
Christmas Day is surely the one when we least want to be woken early by an
alarm clock.
What can
the advert mean? What were the
marketing people thinking? It’s a
mystery. But then, is Christmas not a
time full of mystery and wonder? So,
put another log on the fire (taking due care to ensure that you are wearing
Fire Safety gloves – this is a Health and Safety Aware Blog), gather round the
fire with your loved ones (not too close, obviously – Health and Safety again)
and wonder at Stupid Bear’s Twelve Mysteries of Christmas 2013, one for each of
the Twelve Days of Christmas.
1. And the Twelve Days of Christmas bring us right to the first mystery. Everyone knows that there are Twelve Days of Christmas, and that they start on Christmas day, December 25th, and end on January 6th, the date traditionally attributed to the arrival of the wise men (of whom, more below). Indeed, the 6th January is the date on which the Spanish, for example, actually exchange Christmas presents. Except....that's not twelve days. It's thirteen. You don't have to take my word for it. Mrs Bear has counted them. Which, you will agree. raises serious theological issues. Is one of the days between 25th December and 6th January not one of the Twelve Days of Christmas? If so, which one? And why not? Or, if there is in fact a Thirteenth Day of Christmas, what does one's true love send on the Thirteenth Day? Thirteen bears a-dancing? (In case you were worried, that's a hypothetical suggestion only; this is an Animal Friendly Organic Free Range Blog and no actual bears were made to dance in the writing of this blog).
2. On the Fourth Day of Christmas, what were the four calling
birds calling about? Whom were they
calling? Were they using a seasonal
special offer mobile phone tariff?
3. Why don’t the Christmas lights, which Mrs Bear checked
carefully before packing them away last year, work when I unpack them
again? And who – or what – tangled them
up whilst they were in the box over the Summer?
4. St Matthew reports that the wise men came from the East. And that they told King Herod that they had
followed a star “in the East”. Well, if
they started east of Israel, and
followed a star which they had seen in
their east, how did they end up heading west into Israel? I’ve
worried about this ever since I was a small bear. Indeed, I was thrown out of the school
Nativity Play for “confusing everyone” over the issue by insisting that in the
interests of scriptural accuracy, the wise men ought to start to the east of
the nativity scene and march away from it.
5. If the wise men were (a) wise, and (b) following a star that
went before them, why did they have to stop and ask King Herod for
directions? Which turned out to be a
very bad idea. Were they worried that
their star nav was faulty?
6. The carol tells us that “A blessed angel came, and unto certain
shepherds brought tidings of the same”.
What were the shepherds certain about?
And what about the poor uncertain shepherds? Don’t they get to have a Christmas? And tidings of the same what?
7. How is it that, in this modern world, Father Christmas isn’t
arrested? An old man, climbing into the
bedrooms of other people’s children during the night, and emerging saying “Ho
ho ho”? What are the police doing?
8. In fact, the more one thinks of this Father Christmas figure
the more scary he becomes. He operates
under a number of aliases, such as Santa Claus, and purports to deliver items
of value and even large sums of cash across international borders. Does he comply with the Money Laundering Regulations? Has he even sent client care letters?
9. If one is scared of Santa Claus, is that known as
claustrophobia?
10. For some years the Bear family has spent part of the Christmas
period in the village of Vallorcine (“the valley of the bears”, naturally) in
the French Alps. My O level French is
pretty rusty now, though I find that one can actually cope for a week in France
perfectly well with no more than three words of French (“vin”, “pain” and
“fromage” will do nicely). But as a
linguistically talented bear I have discerned that the French for “Merry
Christmas” is “Joyeaux Noël”. “Joyeaux” means “merry", obviously. But just what did the “L” do wrong to be
excluded?
11. Just who is Auld Lang Syne?
Are they male of female? And
just how auld are they?
12. But perhaps the mystery I like best is that
whatever our religious (or indeed, non religious) persuasion (or lack of
persuasion) we all seem to enjoy lighting a candle at the darkest time of the
year and celebrating family, friends and our hopes for the future. So, a Happy Hannukah, Diwali (belatedly!), Makar Sankranti, Ashura (also belatedly!)
Rohatsu, Bodhi Day, Yule, Winterval or even an old fashioned Merry Christmas
(please select, amend or delete according to the religious or non religious
persuasion of your choice) to you all.
Stupid Bear.
