In my Christmas blog I mentioned that the Bear family was going skiing in Vallorcine ("the Valley of the Bears" - where else?) in the French Alps after Christmas, and one poster asked for my top five skiing tips. Well, this Blog aims to please, so here they are: Stupid Bear's Top Five Skiing Tips:
1. To ski, you really need snow. Skiing on bare rocks or grass just isn't the same. Which, unfortunately, means that remarkably cheap week at the beginning or end of the season, that looks such extraordinarily good value, may not be such a good idea.
2. Before you launch yourself down the mountain on skis, learn to stop. There is a popular misconception that it's hard to ski fast. Nonsense. The hard part is stopping. Anyone can ski at break-neck (possibly literally) speed down a black ("difficult") run and arrive at the bottom. The skill lies in being able to stop at appropriate points, like at the bottom, or just before that sheer drop, so that when you do arrive at the bottom you do so alive, and preferably uninjured.
3. There are three generally used methods of stopping:
(i) The "snow plough".(ii) The "hockey stop".
(iii) A tree.
This Blog recommends methods (i) or (ii). Method (iii) whilst undoubtedly effective, is usually painful, and can be fatal.
4. Do not challenge your children to a race. At least, not once they are older than three and a half. It does nothing for your image as a cool and still young parent when your offspring give you a large head start, then overtake you, skiing backwards. It may be worth setting some ground rules before the holiday, such as "If you say "Well done Dad, that's not bad considering your age" once more, I will refuse to pay your student maintenance grant".
5. There are many rules governing who has right of way on the ski slopes. The most important, however, is: "The Ecole du Ski Français has priority over everyone else". On the slopes, in the lift queue, in the queue for the patisserie, you name it, they have priority. The most dangerous thing that can come down the slopes towards you is not, in fact, an avalanche, but a group of under tens enrolled in the Ecole du Ski Français. If you find yourself in this position, behave as you would if an avalanche were coming towards you i.e., don't try to outrun it / them (you have no chance) but try to get off the piste and out of the way. If this fails, activate a distress beacon, inhale as much air as you can, and prepare for impact.
Stupid Bear
