I have received an email that reads:"Dear Stupid Bear,
Help; please could you offer us brief, concise & objective information on the candidates available for our selection in the European Elections on May 22ndÂ. Should you conclude that all present candidates are unelectable would you consider standing yourself? In which case please could you forward the link to your policies?"
It goes without saying that this blog is strictly impartial and apolitical. You would expect nothing else from a mediation blog. A mediator is defined by his or her neutrality. You might choose to think of a mediator as being rather like Switzerland, only without the mountains and the fondues. And without the Geneva one way system, obviously, that would do nothing to assist in a mediation.
However, thanks to the wonders of modern technology the email in question reached me whilst I was enjoying coffee and stroopwafeln with Mrs Bear on Gouda market place, in the Netherlands, during an ill fated trip to enable Mrs Bear to see the tulips. I should explain that last year Mrs Bear and I travelled to the Netherlands in April to see the tulips only to find that the once-in-a-century exceptionally harsh winter meant that said tulips had yet to bloom and the fields were brown; this year we accordingly travelled later, in May, only to find that the once-in-a-century exceptionally mild winter had meant that the tulips had long since bloomed and the fields were (again) brown, leaving us nothing to do but to sample the local stroopwafeln. A stroopwafel, for the uninitiated, is a circular waffle, consisting of two thin layers of waffle with a caramel syrup filling, varying in size from about the size of a two pound coin to larger stroopwafels several inches across to ginormous stroopwafels about a foot across. All are best enjoyed fresh from a market stall. But, I digress. The point is that, having received a request for my views on Europe whilst enjoying stroopwafeln on the European continent, it would seem churlish not to oblige. In order to do so whilst preserving this blog's neutrality, I shall refrain from endorsing any particular party but shall instead set out the policies that the Bear Popular Front (or Front Populaire de l'Ours for our European friends) would pursue on the great issues facing Europe (the Economy, the Environment, and the Currency), and leave you, dear Reader, to decide for yourself which party most closely matches these policies, for it is that party's candidates that are most deserving of your vote.
The Economy.
The European economy's ills are widely agreed to be attributable to the rift between the relatively prosperous and largely debt free North and the relatively less prosperous and heavily indebted South. What works for the North won't work for the South. And visa versa. The result is riots on the streets in the South, and protests in the North. The solution is of course simple. The Front Populaire de l'Ours would immediately order that the designation of North and South be rotated by 180 degrees on all maps. What was the North will become the South, and what was the South will become the North. At a stroke, the South will become prosperous and free of debt. Whilst the North will experience the austerity and debt formerly experienced by the South, thereby engendering a helpful feeling of empathy and pan-European solidarity. In order to ensure that no new and damaging status quo emerges so as to enshrine depravation in one compass direction and prosperity in another, the Front Populaire de l'Ours would further order that after this initial adjustment all European compass points be rotated in a clockwise direction by 90 degrees every three months, with a further proviso that once every three years the rotation be in an anti clockwise direction and by a random amount. Obviously, all sat nav systems, aeroplane guidance systems and other electronic devices will need to be programmed to ensure that they make corresponding adjustments, which work will provide a timely stimulus to the continent's high technology industries.
The Environment.
The main issue with the European environment is, to be blunt about it, those Dutch tulips. They are just too unreliable, too unpredictable, and bloom for too short a period, with the result that Mrs Bear has twice endured considerable disappointment. A fact finding trip to John Lewis, however, has established that modern plastic and silk artificial flowers are indistinguishable from real flowers from distances of more than a couple of feet. Accordingly, the Front Populaire de l'Ours would order that all Dutch fields henceforth be planted with plastic flowers. Not only will this prevent Mrs Bear from suffering further disappointment (which, you will agree, ought to be the chief policy aim of any political organisation) but it will ensure that the Dutch fields are "in bloom" all year round, thereby providing a timely stimulus to the tourist industry there.
The Currency.
The Euro has had a troubled existence. The reason is obvious. It's not actually good for anything in itself. What do you do with a Euro, apart from spend it? There's nothing you can do with it. It has no intrinsic value or purpose. This lack of intrinsic value or purpose means that it will always be subject to exchange rate volatility and interest rate controversies. The Front Populaire de l'Ours would immediately replace the Euro as the European Currency with the Stroopwafel. Ten small Stroopwafels will equal one large Stoopwafel, ten large Stroopwafels will equal one ginormous Stroopwafel, and ten ginormous Stroopwafels will (in honour of the world's best cheese, the Reblochon from Haute Savoie in France) be equal to one Reblochon. We would consult with financial experts as to whether ten or more Reblochons should be equal to one cheese fondue. This new currency will be cheap to produce, give a timely stimulus to the food and dairy industries, and would have an intrinsic value that would protect it from currency fluctuations. And if the new currency were never the less to plummet in an economic crisis, at least we could eat it.
Stupid Bear
